Worst Version of Myself


“You seem to give me the worst-case scenarios. Can we consider the best one or somewhere between?” My oldest daughter said.

Her words stopped me in my tracks.

Lately, my mind has lived in the worst, most negative thoughts.

I point out what’s wrong or problematic. I share what I dislike or find troubling in the situation, appearance, or environment.

Why am I doing this?

I catch myself afterward saying, “Why did I say that or start with that? Why didn’t I find something positive or good first?”

Is this normal for women like me, reaching their middle-40s?

I question a lot. Mid-life crisis, maybe?

I don’t always like me. Sometimes, I feel like I am a shell of who I used to be. I used to be fun and have more fun. These days, I’m just funny some of the time.

I remember days of feeling carefree, optimistic, and hopeful. More often now, I wake up anxious and immediately start thinking of all the tasks I must do. I look in the mirror and find the flaws. My brain goes to what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

I know that I can’t be happy all the time. That’s not sustainable, especially with life’s curveballs that keep coming.

When my mind lives in darker spaces, that can lead to a downward spiral effect.

I stood there next to a mental sinkhole where I could not see the bottom. I had one foot forward about to take a step. But I stopped. I fell to my knees next to it instead. I took a deep breath. I prayed. I remained still.

I admitted to myself that I had a problem.

I called a friend. Connecting and sharing helped us both.

I hugged my kids and told them I was sorry for being such a downer lately.

I hugged my husband. We’ve both been feeling tremendous pressure.

I was honest with my family about how I was feeling. I asked them to keep me in check and to help me.

Then, I came up with a practical list of what I could do to boost my mood.

Can I be my “best self” or have the “best day” or “best life” ever? I don’t know.

I laugh at the notion. There are great moments within a day, but not an entire great day.

Perfection is an illusion. I want to improve myself, but I want to be realistic.

After all, upgrades lead to challenges as well. Look at any new computer software upgrade. Whether 2.0 or 10.3, each version has its ups and downs. My version of me will change over time and because of factors that affect me.

Still, there is only one me. (And there is only one you.)

Like Taylor Swift writes and sings in her song “ME!”,

I’m the only one of me
Baby, that’s the fun of me
Eeh-eeh-eeh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
You’re the only one of you
Baby, that’s the fun of you

I watched her Miss Americana documentary. Even Taylor has a ton of insecurities and scrutinizes herself.

Some days, we moms will feel like that cozy cardigan, and some days, we’ll be our worst enemy (It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.)

Even on my uncomfortable days, I seek to find comfort (my people and the things in my life that support me). Because every version of me—the worst, the OK, the good–is still me.

And I’m lucky that my people love me no matter what, even when I’m at my worst.





Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here