The Invisible Mental Load of Mothers

Navigating the Physical and Emotional Labor of Mothering

Motherhood is romanticized and celebrated, and rightfully so, as it encompasses immeasurable love, care, and nurturing. However, a profoundly burdensome aspect of motherhood is often beneath this idyllic facade – the mental load we bear.

This woven tapestry of responsibilities, decisions, and emotional labor often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It can lead to what’s known as “weaponized incompetence” that your family may not even realize they are participating in.

Understanding these often invisible tasks is crucial for fostering a more equitable and supportive environment for moms (and anyone who holds the role of primary parent* in their family).

*I will be the first to admit that fantastic parents of all kinds are facing the same emotional battles regarding this topic. I will never discount you, and I wrote this essay from my experience and perspective as a mom of six.

The invisible mental load encompasses many tasks, many intangible and difficult to quantify. In my own life, it ranges from tracking school schedules to managing household repairs, anticipating my children’s needs, organizing appointments for myself, my children, and sometimes my spouse, and even recalling family birthdays and anniversaries.

Safe to say, we mothers often bear the weight of these responsibilities.

This mental load can be exhausting, as it constantly occupies a mother’s thoughts and requires such planning and organization that we often feel overwhelmed.

One considerable aspect of the mental load is emotional labor. Emotional labor is the often-hidden effort of managing emotions, both one’s own and those of others. In the context of motherhood, this involves consoling a crying child, diffusing family conflicts, and ensuring everyone’s emotional well-being.

While these tasks may appear to get handled naturally, they are usually mentally and emotionally draining, yet frequently expected from our family and friends without acknowledgment.

In case weaponized incompetence is new to you, it’s how someone, often unintentionally, exacerbates the mental load of others. In this case, it is when other family members or society expect us mothers to be the primary caretakers and decision-makers.

As a result, we moms get left to manage the household and child-rearing while those around them claim not to be as capable in these areas.

This behavior is predominately engrained and visible in society by others congratulating a father for watching his children, judging only a mom for a messy house, or, like at my home, my kids feigning ignorance and asking for guidance on performing routine tasks they 100% already know how to do.

The consequence of this weaponized incompetence in the home and family often perpetuates gender inequalities, reinforcing traditional gender roles and expectations, and it prevents those who claim incompetence from learning and participating fully in parenting and household responsibilities and perpetuating a cycle of dependency on us mothers. This dependency, in turn, can lead to this mom, at least, feeling overwhelmed and undervalued.

So what do we do to fix this problem? Go on strike?

I joke, but if this is a burden you feel in your life, making changes is necessary.

Addressing the invisible mental load, weaponized incompetence, and emotional labor requires a collective effort by the entire family working together.

Saying that out loud seems like a cart and a horse-type problem, but I always have hope. We should actively share responsibilities with our partners and family members and recognize that parenting and homemaking need equal contributions.

Communication is critical to understanding the extent of our mental load and emotional labor. Open dialogue can lead to a more equitable distribution of tasks and shared decision-making, reducing the burden on mothers.

Now, having teenagers, my husband and I often speak freely with them regarding how they are adding to my mental load, occasionally my husband’s, and creating more work for both parents collectively.

It seems to be working, too, halleluiah!

Furthermore, we mothers need to challenge traditional roles and expectations. Promoting a household culture where all are encouraged and supported to be active participants and homemakers is essential for easing the invisible load, erasing emotional labor, and dismantling the weaponized incompetence phenomenon.

Recognizing and addressing these issues is necessary to create familial equality and create a more balanced family environment. 

Our collective responsibility is to challenge the norms, reevaluate expectations, and strive for a society where mothers can fully embrace the joys of motherhood without being weighed down by invisible burdens.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make my 15-year-old call and make his doctor’s appointment.

Don’t call anyone if you hear death screams. It’s just a Gen Z kid acting like talking on the phone will kill him.

These crosses we bear while teaching our kids to be independent humans are numerous.