World Breastfeeding Week is August 1-7, 2023
** This blog post is in no way written to shame any mother who chose not to or was unable to breastfeed. As mothers, we will encourage and empower each along the way whether you choose to breastfeed or not.**
As I leave a local brewery with a bluegrass band playing, I can’t help but mentally air-five the woman sitting on the sidelines, breastfeeding her baby and just jamming to the music. No cover. Sipping what I am assuming is a stout (but I could be wrong). In fact, if you’re reading this—I’m with you, mama! I kind of want to Facebook stalk so I can send you a message to tell you I stand in solidarity, but I don’t have time to go down a rabbit hole. So let me just tell you:
I’m proud. I’m proud, and the work is HARD. I am not here to shame anyone who it didn’t work out for. I am not here to preach.
But I AM here to tell you that it has been a journey for me—one that essentially involves over 2 years of my life spent breastfeeding. And that I’m proud and celebrating a hard thing.
When I had my first baby in 2020, I was so timid because it was so new, and I didn’t know what I was doing.
I’m sure that there is that one woman out there who has this magically easy birth, and her baby was placed skin to skin and nuzzled in and automatically latched. The heavens opened, and the magical flying unicorns burst into “When Doves Cry.” (Prince just feels appropriate, somehow.)
But that wasn’t me. It isn’t the grand majority of women. And for some reason, we tend to underestimate the amount of trial and error it’s going to take to learn to breastfeed. I was one who bought an online course (even though I’m a Family Physician who literally works with OB patients on the regular). I downloaded the Baby Tracker app to carefully record her daily feeds, pees, and poops. And I thought that somewhere between all the knowledge and resources, breastfeeding would just come naturally to me. That I would just whip out my boob, and she would find my nipple, and I would feed her on a schedule of every 2-3 hours like I was supposed to do.
Oh, my friend. The best-laid plans of mice and men so often go awry. Or should I say, the BREAST laid plans of mice and women. (Ok, that’s pretty bad.)
Because even with all the knowledge and resources, it’s still a learning curve. And every baby is different; what works for one doesn’t work for another. Actually, what works for my baby one day may not work the next.
Coming face to face with the reality that I, in fact, could not do this perfectly and would need some help was harsh. A lesson in humility for the recovering perfectionist.
So I enlisted Lactation Consultants and my friends from the hospital. In March 2020, all of the group breastfeeding classes were canceled, and healthcare professionals weren’t moving to telemedicine platforms fast enough. So every Friday, I would call the Labor floor and ask for Heidi or Angela, my Lactation Consultants. I would talk them through what I’d been trying that week, discuss baby’s weight, and look for some kind of “attaboy,” which I, of course, received.
I triple-fed my daughter, which means I breastfed on both sides (if she’d do it), then pumped, then fed her that pumped milk (and froze the rest for later). Every three hours.
Every. Three. Hours.
For six weeks. The longest six weeks. The most emotionally draining. The most tiring. The most hormonal and menopausal-like state.
It was a lonely time, and I just felt so unnoticed despite the monumental effort I put in.
When I went back to work at 6 weeks postpartum (which I was required to do), then I had to learn how to fit pumping into my schedule. (Pumping is a totally different animal, and I have nothing but props to give to the women who exclusively pump.) So even though breastfeeding had been my life for six weeks, I was additionally learning how to manage at work and still see patients, and add in feeding the baby in the morning and at night when I was home.
The stress. The guilt. The frustration at 2am. The annoyance that my husband (who is wonderfully supportive) just COULD NOT understand because he literally could not do what I could. And again, the feeling that it all went unnoticed, that society, in general, doesn’t acknowledge that taking time to pump (while charting patient notes at the same time!) is valuable or important.
I breastfed that baby for a year. I had to add formula supplementation when my supply dropped when I switched jobs. It was a very, very long year.
But I did it. I did it, and I’m proud.
My second breastfeeding journey has been a dream compared to the first; 15 months and still going strong. Still had the late nights, and this time had bottle refusal (and that’s a whole other post in itself). However, I also had the experience under my belt and, let’s face it, the humility to ask for help when I needed it.
So I did it again. I’m still doing it, and I’m proud.
Breastfeeding is work. Having to stop what you’re doing, trying to avoid engorgement, trying to avoid mastitis (been there, done it, do not recommend). The looks from strangers (look all you want, buddy, my kid needs to eat). Having to tell your toddler you can’t play yet because you’re still feeding the babe and enduring the backlash. Sleep deprivation and its overwhelming effect on mood. Oversupply. Undersupply. Transitioning to solids. Nipple pain. Nipple confusion.
You name it, and I guarantee a breastfeeding mom has gone or is going through it.
Yet despite all the above, there is something sacred and beautiful about holding your baby in a rocking chair at 2am and providing nourishment. It’s powerful. It’s a holy moment.
But the work is hard.
So, yes, I want to find that lady from the brewery and say, “Hey, I affirm you, mama! You’re doing a very hard thing. I see it, and your work does not go unnoticed.”
Shout out to that mama, Lactation at Tallahassee Memorial Hospital, for listening to my long-winded explanations of how I was trying to feed my baby and to all the ladies doing the work.
I see you.
*Because I had such a rough go of it the first time, I am making it a personal mission/passion project to help mothers who want to breastfeed. There are big things coming, and I couldn’t be more excited. Follow our Instagram @LadderToTheStars for updates.*
