My husband and I were together for nine years before we got married. Nearly a decade of dating made us feel like we were prepared for anything we might face during our marriage. We went through premarital counseling and talked about all of the important topics…or so we thought. That is until our son was diagnosed with cancer at the age of two.
Like any relationship, we had our share of problems up to that point. However, that first year of our son’s treatment was like nothing we had ever faced. The diagnosis was such a shock and so completely unexpected. Neither one of us was prepared to handle the doctor appointments, lab work, medications, surgeries, chemotherapy, medical bills, and everything else. It changed us both.
How We Coped…Differently
As the main provider whose job was our primary source of income, my husband wasn’t able to come to a lot of doctor appointments. I’m sure he felt a lot of pressure since we were completely dependent on his job both financially and for insurance coverage. I can’t imagine how I would have felt in his shoes. Socializing helped him cope. He needed to be out and about, visiting with his friends. Perhaps that helped him compartmentalize and briefly escape what our son was going through.
On the other hand, I needed to be with our children 24/7 and was fully immersed in caring for them. So much so that I didn’t take care of myself. I never wanted to leave them, even for a quick trip to the grocery store. I was afraid that something would happen if I left them, and I wouldn’t be there to handle it. I needed to control something, anything, and that was how I coped. I hardly spoke to my family and friends, and I certainly wasn’t focused on my husband’s needs. My boys came first.
Needless to say, during that first year, we barely saw or even spoke to one another. We weren’t happy, but we weren’t miserable, either. We were roommates – plain and simple.
Our Turning Point
We asked our friend for the name of a faith-based therapist that could help us. We went to her for a few months, and at our last appointment with her, she said, “There’s nothing I can do to help your marriage. I can mediate for you both, but that’s pretty much all I can do.” I was shocked and thought, “Wow, if she can’t help us, our marriage must really be over.”
Then I looked at my husband and thought, no way! We both agreed right then that we had to fight for our marriage.
From that point forward, we started working on “us.” We had some important conversations about our finances. We started having date nights – some nights, we went out with friends, and some nights it was just the two of us. We made a rule to try and not talk about the children so that we could find “us” again. My husband still needed to socialize, so we compromised on that as well. He could hang out with some friends now and then while I would do something fun with our boys at home.
Weathering the Unexpected
We are still together, even after almost nine years of our son going through chemo. I have met so many couples at doctor and chemo appointments during that time, and probably half of them have split up. Sometimes it takes the unimaginable happening to expose the weak and strong parts of your relationship.
Whether it’s a medical diagnosis, a job loss, financial hardship, or the devastating loss of a child, marriages that seem unshakeable can begin to crumble. It can happen to any of us. In hindsight, I wish my husband and I would have talked more about our different coping mechanisms before our son was diagnosed.
Marriage is hard work, and it is made even harder when you are faced with the unexpected. Honestly, it’s ok that my husband and I cope with things differently. As long as we remember to communicate, take care of each other (and ourselves), and do our best to see things from the other person’s perspective.
