Is It Giving Up or Improving?

My husband and I have separated. 

We have been having problems for a while and see things very differently. I see a man I love being so self-involved that he can’t see what is important. And from our talks, he sees a woman he loves, not caring about his needs.  

I have always put my husband’s needs before my own. When he wanted to spend time with his friends, I said, “Sure!”

When he wanted to try a new hobby, I said, “Go for it!”

When he wanted to spend more time away from his family on the hobby and then socialize afterward, I said, “No problem!”  

At first, he was spending time on his hobby only when the children were sleeping or when it was convenient for our family. However, he slowly became consumed by it. He had to be the best. And I’ll give him that – he is one of the best in our area and he has worked extremely hard to be as great as he is. 

But at what cost?

Over time, I began to feel like a single parent who had someone sleeping beside me. I was carrying 95% of the responsibility when it came to our children. In fact, there were thirteen days in a row when my children and I went to bed before my husband even came home. He would leave right after he got off work to enjoy his hobby and then socialize afterward. That’s thirteen days of me cooking dinner, feeding the children, doing baths, finishing up schoolwork, and getting children in bed. 

All alone.  

I kept thinking to myself, is this what marriage eventually turns into? Maybe this was my fault. After all, I did allow him to go and do his thing. I allowed him to have as much time away as he needed. Was it because I didn’t want to ask for help? Was my pride what got us here? I always swore to myself I would never be in a relationship where the other person had to ask permission for something. Maybe this was it. Now looking at things, I don’t see it as asking permission. I see it as being respectful and making sure your spouse’s needs are met as well.

To me, marriage means that you and your spouse complement one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong. And at this point, we are no longer there. We have been together for over twenty years but have now been separated for about six months. I thought by separating; we would both miss one another, learn to appreciate the other person, and eventually come back stronger. I knew there was a chance my husband might realize that life was better single. Little did I know, it was me that would have an issue.  

I have given my all to someone for over two decades. I have amazing children that I am completely devoted to. But in the meantime, I have ignored myself and my need to accomplish things.

Now I am tired. 

I am tired of being married while also being a single mother.

If I decide to end my marriage, is it giving up? Or am I improving my life? 

Am I throwing away the last twenty years? Or am I enhancing all our lives? 

Am I admitting defeat? Or am I allowing more positivity in the household? 

Am I claiming all the fault? Or am I trying to enrich our future?  

No one wants their marriage to fail. I know I do not. When I said “I do” on our wedding day, I meant it. I meant I wanted to be married to my husband until I took my last breath. Is it fair to let one person excel at everything they aspire to while the other one loses themselves completely?  

How do you compare the life you have had to the life you could have…alone?