I’m waiting in line, wondering if I had enough money left on my credit card to pay for my monthly fertility shots.
Then I heard my name, “Monique! Hey girl!” A sister to one of my friends had spotted me in the sea of people. We talked across the packed area where others were sure to ignore our loud voices. I was glad to see a familiar face and take my mind off why I was there.
Then it happened, the dreaded question, “So, do you have any kids yet?”
I politely said, “No, no kids yet,” hoping the conversation would end there with the obligatory “nice seeing you.” No, that would have been too easy.
“Well, Monique, why don’t you have any kids? What’s wrong with you?”
And at the moment – with tons of people around – I loudly said, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I am standing in line to buy $1,000 I don’t have on fertility medicine so I can take shots for ten days this month.”
You know the saying – you could have heard a pin drop.
It is not in my nature to be mean or rude, but in that moment, I lost it. My friend quickly said she was sorry and that she would pray for me. But before I could thank her for the prayers with everyone staring at me, she was gone.
I share this experience 25 years later because anyone when they will have kids is not ok.
As my daddy always said, “think before you speak.”
What that friend didn’t know, what I didn’t want anyone to know, was how much my husband and I were struggling as we tried to become parents. After trying to get pregnant on our own for about two years, we tried fertility shots, followed by eight rounds of artificial insemination and then three rounds of IVF.
This was during the late ’90s when the internet was still fairly new and before Google calendars and iPhones. For eight years, I logged every shot, the medication, the dosage, and yes, every time we had sex using a small Girl Scout calendar. I kept those calendars for years, even after my fertility journey was over. I recently found them while decluttering.So I lost it.
So for eight years, I told no one.
In the end, my fertility journey was not successful, but my quest for motherhood was. My husband and I have been blessed with two precious gifts, our sons Laine and Wyatt, who we adopted through foster care.
For anyone going through infertility, this journey is extremely emotional and personal. It’s ok to feel angry, sad, confused, stressed, and tired. And it is definitely ok to “lose it in Walmart” if you need to.
It may seem as though motherhood is a faraway dream, but please know you are not alone. So many women have walked and are walking this journey – right alongside you. It is ok to feel all of the things you are feeling.
Your journey was very hard and many thoughtless people shot darts into your heart with their words. I pray by sharing your story that someone reading this will be encouraged, and that others will think before they speak.
Ms Susie – you are so kind. Sure miss you and hope you and your family are doing well!
My friend superwoman! God has you right where He wants you. Using your experience will help other women/couples going through your journey! You are very blessed and a blessing to others!
Thank you sweet D’nese! God always has the best plans for us! Sure miss you!
God’s plan is always the best one even when we can’t see it. He blessed you with those boys and definitely gave them the best parents ever. Y’all are an inspiration and blessing to everyone who knows you! Rock on mama!
Monique, the outburst as I will call it, is so not you! But given what you two were going through, it’s understandable. I have to smile because it’s funny to think about it, but I’m not making light of the situation. God’s plan seems to have worked out just fine for you both, as you’re blessed with the those beautiful boys! An old friend here, whom knows your character! 💕