{A huge thank you to my husband, Nate Sebastian, for sharing his thoughts as the partner of a breastfeeding mother!}
How can your partner support your breastfeeding journey?
It’s hard when you’re not the person doing the actual breastfeeding. How can you help and not hinder? What should you say and not say?
I am a physician with a medical practice specializing in Family and Lifestyle Medicine, including postpartum support and breastfeeding education. However, in this instance I thought it would be best to directly to the source — so I sat down and interviewed my husband, who has been SUCH a supportive partner and breastfeeding advocate for us.
He has endured what is now 3.5 YEARS of me breastfeeding. He’s been the one to encourage me when I’m out in public, entertain the older toddler while I feed the younger one, and stood by me when I was DONE with the first child but wanted to continue longer with the second.
>> RELATED READ :: The BREAST Laid Plans of Mice and Women
Check out our little interview for all the tips and tricks!
DAD THOUGHTS – BEFORE THE BABY CAME
Mom: What did you think about breastfeeding BEFORE our first baby came?
Dad: I thought, “People have been doing this for thousands of years, so it can’t be that complicated.” And watching those instructional videos was weird.
Mom: BEFORE our first baby came, what did you think your role would be when she arrived?
Dad: Mostly a retriever (‘”go get me this or that”). Waiter. Cheerleader. I didn’t see how I would be super involved with the baby because I’m not the one with, you know…
DAD THOUGHTS – THE HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
Mom: What was running through your mind when we were trying to breastfeed on Days 1 and 2 of baby’s life in the hospital?
Dad: A lot of things, including
-This seems so easy when the Lactation Consultant is here. Why is it so difficult when she’s not?
-Is THiS a good latch? Was THAT a good latch?
-Does my wife want me to tell her to move the baby? Will she get offended?
-Should I offer suggestions or not?
-Is the baby awake?
-Is now the time to tickle the tip of the nose with her nipple?
-Does my wife want me to shove my finger in the baby’s mouth so she can de-latch?
-Is this (what I’m doing right now) too much? Is it too little?
-Get me out of this hospital.
DAD THOUGHTS – THE FIRST FEW DAYS HOME
Mom: The first few days home, before our first outpatient Pediatrician appointment, what was that like for you?
Dad: Again, there are a lot of different concerns at the same time. Thoughts like:
-I’m so tired.
-Why is the baby not latching?
-Why is my wife not following instructions? Just shove the boob in there! It doesn’t have to be gentle.
-Is the baby eating enough?
-Is this working well enough?
-Should we be doing something else?
-Do we need to supplement with formula?
-Is what I’m doing too much or too little?
-Is it my place to be giving my input?
-Am I overstepping?
-Am I not stepping up enough?
DAD THOUGHTS – HOW DID WE MAKE IT THROUGH?
Mom: When do you feel like it “clicked” and we figured it out?
Dad: Sometime toward the end of the first month.
Mom: What does “clicking” mean to you?
Dad: We understood the baby’s preferred positions (football was best), how to get situated in the chair to initiate the feed, her feeding cues so we knew when to do it, and what signs to look for to see she was satiated.
Mom: How did we do it? What do you think helped us the most?
Dad: We had a routine.
-Baby cries or time to wake up to feed
-Mom goes to her chair, gets seated, grabs water cup and breastfeeding pillow, situates herself, and unbuttons her shirt
-Dad gets baby, undresses baby (which helped ‘wake her up’), changes diaper if needed, and hands to mom with proper baby placement on the pillow (depending on the type of hold) OR hands her the pump
Mom: What can partners do to help while mom feeds the baby?
Dad: Partner can:
-Make a meal or get a snack for mom (and yourself)
-Wash bottles or pump parts or anything in the sink
-Grab the nipple cream, ice pack, or anything else she’ll need after the feed
-Put on a show on Netflix or some music
Mom: What about AFTER the feed is over? What can the partner do then?
Dad: If baby needs to be burped, the partner can do that. If baby is asleep, do they need to be held while mom covers up and gets out of the chair? Partners can do skin-to-skin. If the baby is awake, partners can play with baby or do tummy time, take baby for a walk, or try to get the baby to sleep if it’s time.
DAD THOUGHTS – LOOKING BACK ON THE DIFFICULT NEWBORN PERIOD
Mom: Talk to me about the newborn period and how that was for you.
Dad: It’s frustrating because there’s nothing the partner can do to physically make it happen. And that’s hard because they tend to want to solve problems. In the early days, I was frustrated and never knew if my actions were too much or too little.
Mom: If you could go back, would you change your behavior?
Dad: I would try to be more patient with my wife, myself, the kid, and the process. To be honest, I don’t know if I’d be able to change my behavior, given my lack of sleep at that point.
Mom: Do you think what you knew about breastfeeding before having a baby was sufficient?
Dad: No. I think hands-on or practical experience would have been beneficial. For example, if I could do this again with the knowledge I have now, I would try out the pillow, chair, and support items we were using so we knew how to use them in the positions we would likely have to use them in.
Mom: You were so helpful, even if I was really frustrated with you (or really just frustrated with the process). What do you think you did best?
Dad: Helping with the process of getting baby ready to feed. I couldn’t produce milk or induce letdown, and I couldn’t feel for a good latch. However, I could be a conscious observer and help position the baby in the best way. Over time, I could start to tell if it was a poor latch (too much areola exposure, the baby looks like they’re just sucking and not gulping/swallowing).
DAD THOUGHTS – HAVING MORE THAN ONE CHILD AT HOME WHEN THERE’S A BREASTFEEDING INFANT
Mom: When we had our second child, our first was about two years old. The infant will inevitably be super close to the breastfeeding parent out of necessity. It takes about six weeks to establish a milk supply, so older siblings will, by default, be spending less time with that parent. How do you feel like we navigated that?
Dad: This is an opportunity for Dad to spend more quality time with the older sibling and encourage early bonding between siblings (help the sibling hold the baby safely, “Do you want to bring the baby a toy or mommy a blanket?”). I think our daughter had her moments where (for a few brief seconds) she enjoyed interacting with the baby. But otherwise, she and I really got to hang out a lot.
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And with that, we’ve got some great ideas and observations from a super supportive partner of a breastfeeding parent!
