I was at lunch with my girlfriends recently when our conversation inevitably turned to our children, and I realized I was the only one at the table without a daughter.
As I listened to my friends express their deep concerns about their daughters’ body image, I found myself recounting my own struggles growing up (and let’s be honest, still have today as a 40-year-old woman).
We discussed how body image issues are pervasive, often rooted in seemingly innocent comments that can give very young girls a complex about their bodies. These remarks, while often unintentional, are far from harmless.
Each of us shared our experiences—those singular moments when someone said something that forever changed how we viewed our bodies. It was heartbreaking to hear, and even more so to think that our daughters might go through the same thing.
This got me thinking… What would I say to my daughter? How would I ensure she feels beautiful, strong, resilient?
And let’s not ignore social media, reality TV shows, and everything that our girls are exposed to today that we never had to experience. Recently, I’ve noticed a trend where women on reality shows often say, “I don’t want to feel stupid” or “I just feel so stupid,” usually in reference to unreciprocated feelings. This pattern of self-doubt leads them to hold back, feel ashamed to express their emotions, and ultimately believe they’ve failed in love.
Again, this got me thinking… Why do they feel stupid for putting themselves out there? Why would they fear that the most?
Now, I know there are shows and movies out there trying to represent strong women, but will that be enough to raise resilient, confident daughters who will change the world?
No, it won’t. That’s why I started writing this letter to the daughter I don’t have and to all the daughters out there. I will read it to my boys to ensure they understand how they should expect and respect women.
Dear Daugther,
You are beautiful. You will hear it dozens of times; we all have. But it’s not about that, not really. It’s about that inner fear we have about how others will perceive us. This is where all that self-depreciation comes from. You may think this is determined by other people, but I am here to tell you that it is not.
It all starts with the way you look at yourself.
Always remember that your worth is not defined by others’ perceptions but by your own understanding of who you are. View yourself as a unique and powerful individual, full of potential and strength. Embrace your quirks and imperfections, for they make you beautifully unique. Acknowledge your intelligence, creativity, and resilience. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small, and learn from your mistakes without being harsh on yourself. See yourself as someone capable of love and deserving of kindness, both from yourself and others. Cultivate self-compassion and be your own biggest supporter. Remember, the way you view yourself shapes your entire life, so choose to see the beauty, strength, and brilliance within you.
Please remember these things: never be embarrassed when putting yourself out there, whether it’s stepping out of your comfort zone or allowing your heart to love another person. This is your life, your time, and you deserve to live it the way you want, not the way others want you to.
Don’t let others’ lives, words, or actions affect your quality of life.
I know this will be hard. You will fail at this many times. We all do. We all struggle and feel shame, embarrassment, failure, and negativity about ourselves at some point. It takes an enormous amount of confidence and support to combat these feelings. You will have to ignore what others say and remind yourself that it’s not true, nor does it matter.
The only opinion that matters is your own, and here’s the big secret: you can control that.
Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. When you feel like you are failing, they can help you recover and remind you that everyone feels that way at times. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You are never stupid or a failure for trying to live the life you want. Be the person you want to be, not who others expect you to be.
This is your life and only your life.
Your Mother
As mothers, we know we play a crucial role in shaping our children’s self-esteem and resilience. My hope is that this letter will help my friends with daughters by giving them some words and inspiration to write letters to their daughters.
And to everyone else, let’s be mindful of our words and actions. I’ve always told my children it’s not necessarily what you do or say but how you make someone feel.
Yes! I didn’t realize how often people comment on children’s appearances until I became a mother. It’s not just girls, my son is dealing with the same thing.