Are You a Reactor?

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Anyone that knows me knows I am a yeller. I talk loud, whether I am in a happy mood or feeling sad. It also means I yell even if my children are not in trouble. The yelling does not set the tone.

I am also a reactor.

Or, at least I used to be.

Recently, I have gone through some rough patches with my husband, friends, and even some family members. I have laid awake at night trying to figure out the common denominator with each of those relationships.

It turns out it was my reaction that was not helping matters.

I am not saying I was at fault, but I certainly didn’t help the situation.

If things didn’t go my way in certain conversations, I would blow up. Or, I would let things go and get slightly agitated, but then one day, I would unleash it all. I could not get past what they were trying to say. I did not listen to any of them.

What I have realized is that I have to be more vocal and communicate how I’m feeling. I have to tell my husband when I need his help and quit trying to do things by myself. I have to tell my husband, friends, and family when I am agitated so that I don’t get to that unleashing stage.

I say all of this to share what has helped me.

For example, if I get a text or voicemail I disagree with, here is how I handle it:

  1. I carefully read or listen to understand what they have to say. I try to put myself in that person’s shoes.
  2. I grab my notepad and write out how I would like to respond and then I go back to their text/voicemail to make sure I have covered everything they have asked or stated.
  3. I reread my message multiple times (so much so that I even annoy myself!). I try to read it from different perspectives to make sure I do not sound harsh or selfish. I also reread to make sure I sympathize with the other person as well.
  4. Finally, I have someone I trust to listen to or read my response. I take their advice on whether I should omit something or reword my response.

This process may take me a few hours or an entire day to do. I may even set it aside until I have more time to go through each of those intentional steps. However, doing this is helping how I react in certain situations.

I know that I cannot help how other people react to me. I can only control my own response.

Someone once told me, “how you react to something shows more about your character than anything else.”

The other night, I was fuming and about to blow up at my husband. I had cooked dinner, gotten the two littles bathed, and put to bed. Then I helped my oldest with his last school assignment and cleaned the kitchen all by myself. In the past, I would have turned around and either yelled at my husband or shut down and gone straight to bed — ticked off at the world (I’m sure you know the feeling).

Instead of doing that, I reminded myself that I should have told my husband I needed help (he’s working on seeing my queues of needing help as well). When I finished washing the last dish, I went straight to my husband and told him I was agitated with him. I explained why I was upset, and we worked it out.

That was huge. Please, don’t think I am saying I am perfect. I am nowhere near it. But I am trying to see where I struggle and do better.

If this is you, Mama, please know I am right there with you! I see you struggling and trying to do better. So, if you see me out and notice me close my eyes, know that I am trying to get through one of those moments.

I try to see the other person’s side and figure out the most appropriate way to react and do better in all aspects of my life – as a mom, wife, sister, and friend.

I continue to remind myself that how I react to situations is all that I can do and that my reaction can either help or hurt a situation. I will try my hardest to help the situation. I will remind myself to take my time. I will remind myself that if something doesn’t work out, I tried my best. It will be challenging at times, but I will get through it.

Maybe this will help you. Or perhaps you have a different suggestion. If so, please comment and share what worked for you.

Maybe your advice will help me, or perhaps it will help another mom.

 

 

 

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