Are You a Reactor?


Anyone that knows me knows I am a yeller. I talk loud, whether I am in a happy mood or feeling sad. It also means I yell even if my children are not in trouble. The yelling does not set the tone.

I am also a reactor.

Or, at least I used to be.

Recently, I have gone through some rough patches with my husband, friends, and even some family members. I have laid awake at night trying to figure out the common denominator with each of those relationships.

It turns out it was my reaction that was not helping matters.

I am not saying I was at fault, but I certainly didn’t help the situation.

If things didn’t go my way in certain conversations, I would blow up. Or, I would let things go and get slightly agitated, but then one day, I would unleash it all. I could not get past what they were trying to say. I did not listen to any of them.

What I have realized is that I have to be more vocal and communicate how I’m feeling. I have to tell my husband when I need his help and quit trying to do things by myself. I have to tell my husband, friends, and family when I am agitated so that I don’t get to that unleashing stage.

I say all of this to share what has helped me.

For example, if I get a text or voicemail I disagree with, here is how I handle it:

  1. I carefully read or listen to understand what they have to say. I try to put myself in that person’s shoes.
  2. I grab my notepad and write out how I would like to respond and then I go back to their text/voicemail to make sure I have covered everything they have asked or stated.
  3. I reread my message multiple times (so much so that I even annoy myself!). I try to read it from different perspectives to make sure I do not sound harsh or selfish. I also reread to make sure I sympathize with the other person as well.
  4. Finally, I have someone I trust to listen to or read my response. I take their advice on whether I should omit something or reword my response.

This process may take me a few hours or an entire day to do. I may even set it aside until I have more time to go through each of those intentional steps. However, doing this is helping how I react in certain situations.

I know that I cannot help how other people react to me. I can only control my own response.

Someone once told me, “how you react to something shows more about your character than anything else.”

The other night, I was fuming and about to blow up at my husband. I had cooked dinner, gotten the two littles bathed, and put to bed. Then I helped my oldest with his last school assignment and cleaned the kitchen all by myself. In the past, I would have turned around and either yelled at my husband or shut down and gone straight to bed — ticked off at the world (I’m sure you know the feeling).

Instead of doing that, I reminded myself that I should have told my husband I needed help (he’s working on seeing my queues of needing help as well). When I finished washing the last dish, I went straight to my husband and told him I was agitated with him. I explained why I was upset, and we worked it out.

That was huge. Please, don’t think I am saying I am perfect. I am nowhere near it. But I am trying to see where I struggle and do better.

If this is you, Mama, please know I am right there with you! I see you struggling and trying to do better. So, if you see me out and notice me close my eyes, know that I am trying to get through one of those moments.

I try to see the other person’s side and figure out the most appropriate way to react and do better in all aspects of my life – as a mom, wife, sister, and friend.

I continue to remind myself that how I react to situations is all that I can do and that my reaction can either help or hurt a situation. I will try my hardest to help the situation. I will remind myself to take my time. I will remind myself that if something doesn’t work out, I tried my best. It will be challenging at times, but I will get through it.

Maybe this will help you. Or perhaps you have a different suggestion. If so, please comment and share what worked for you.

Maybe your advice will help me, or perhaps it will help another mom.

 

 

 

Kara James
Kara James moved to the Pensacola area when she was ten years old. She considers herself from here. She married her high school sweetheart in 2008, and they have four wonderful children together (all boys): Kohlton (15), Kason (13), Korbin (6), and Kallen (5). She works one day a week as a hairstylist. She loves her job and believes its more fun than work. In her free time, she enjoys river days with her family, movie nights, coaching her littles' soccer team, and of course, jamming out to New Kids on the Block. She tries to make the best of everything and enjoys being around friends and family.

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