My husband and my children are more affectionate than me. For two of them, their love language is physical touch. Therefore, showing love in physical ways comes more naturally to them. My love language is acts of service. So, while I show love by making a special meal or folding someone else’s laundry, my partner and youngest daughter want hugs, kisses, and cuddling. After taking the love languages quiz, I have learned more about my needs and my family’s needs.
Showing my warmth takes practice. I did not grow up in an affectionate, physical-touch family. I have to make a conscious effort to demonstrate my adoration in ways that make my husband and daughters feel appreciated.
How can I be more affectionate when it does not always come easily?
Here are tactics that seem to help.
Be Playful and Physical in the Moment
I am generally a funny, silly individual. I tell jokes and make clever statements. Therefore, I try to build upon that playfulness with physical touch around my husband and children. I let back and forth banter lead to a hug, kiss, tickle, wrestle, squeeze, pinch, caress, massage, handholding, rub and cuddle.
My youngest daughter likes me to play with her hair and pretend-write messages on her back that she can guess. I will spell phrases like “I love you” on her back, touching her gently while she tries to guess the letters. My husband likes occasional sneak-attack affection. For example, while he’s busy with his hands (washing them at the sink or putting on shaving cream), I can go behind him and pinch his butt or hug him deeply. These small, physical gestures mean a lot to them.
Be Near
I can’t be an affectionate partner and parent unless I’m in the same room or space as my family. My spouse wants me to sit next to him at the dinner table, at an outing, watching TV, or a movie. He doesn’t want the kids between us. He wants to be close to me to hold hands or touch legs. We try to keep the same bedtime routine to fall asleep and wake up together. I realize this is difficult for many couples, as some must work around each other’s schedules. But we try to build in cuddle time every day.
With my kids, I crawl into their beds with them to say good night, and I love you. I usually lie next to them in the morning to wake them up for school if they don’t get up on their own. Growing up, my parents did not snuggle with me. So, I have had to work at it. But I have come to enjoy this precious time with my kids.
By being close in proximity intentionally, we all benefit and feel fulfilled from those physical forms of love.
Be Complimentary and Say Thank You
Showing gratitude for my family goes a long way. In a world filled with negativity, I find a reason to compliment my partner and kids every day. Before heading out for work, I let my husband know how attractive he looks, and he returns the compliment to me. I compliment my teenage daughter for being a great, loyal friend and her hard work in school. My youngest daughter is the queen of compliments, always observing little things and remarking on them. I follow her lead by offering compliments back on her thoughtfulness.
Those words of kindness often lead back to physical reactions. My kids hug me after I compliment them, and my spouse kisses me. Words and movement can work together, causing a double effect of joy.
Be Mindful of Time Together and Apart
To be in a good relationship, I need quality time with my spouse and children. My family and I eat together most nights. We watch movies and play cards or board games. But let’s face it, as much as we love time with each other, we have different interests too. So, we often split up to engage in various hobbies.
My husband and daughters like gaming (Minecraft, Xbox). I do not. So, I may read a book, soaking in alone time while they game. My youngest daughter and I like baking together. My oldest daughter does not, but she and I will sit and talk about music or middle school drama. My spouse and I find a TV series to watch together, and we watch our separate shows too. We are mindful of being together, but we give each other space. We treasure time apart as well as time together.
These are ways that I practice being a more loving and affectionate wife and mom. Some days I have to nudge myself to make the above suggestions. But I deeply love my family and want to remember to tell them and show them often. When I make an effort, I notice I receive affection in the forms of my love language (acts of service) too.
