Let me just start out by stating the obvious: Adult friendships are hard.
I’d like to think it’s the stage of life we’re in—the stage of little kids that require constant attention, the stage of chauffeuring to dance class, the stage of not leaving the house so a naked toddler can be potty trained. The stage of working full time, making time to be intentional with my partner, and taking care of myself.
The stage…of survival.
I’ve been thinking about this survival mode recently, so I unofficially polled my self-proclaimed ‘low maintenance friends’—the people I can text or message without fear of judgment or anger that it’s been a while since we last talked or met up.
And the response was overwhelming: we ALL feel this way.
We all feel like we are JUST making it, taking it one day at a time because that’s all we can do. We are all overwhelmed and tired and looking for connection but unsure when that next chance might present itself.
Will the load lighten? There’s no way to know when a big transition will happen in the next few months or years. It may get more chaotic, or it may lessen little by little.
So, since I’m not sure when we will all meet up again, I started thinking of what I could say to my adult friends, who I may not talk to or see often.
It would go something like this:
My Dear Friend,
I’m still here.
Please know that I DO read the texts you send.
But I’m probably wrangling a child or working on a task, so I make a mental note to respond later. You know, when I have the bandwidth to send a proper response and not just a heart or a thumbs up.
My intentions are good, but my follow-through needs work. Because we both know that sometimes, I forget to type and send that response.
It’s not an excuse.
I don’t really have one.
And I’ve been on the receiving end of these things, too. And it doesn’t feel good. No one likes being left on “Read.” No one likes waiting days for a response or just not getting a response at all.
I promise it’s not an intentional ignoring. I love you. I admire you. I value you.
I see those photos. I’m proud of you. The kids are getting so big. Where did the time go? We haven’t hung out in weeks! Actually, months. Time is a thief. But seeing things on social media isn’t a substitute for YOU, and it’s not an accurate representation of any of our lives. It’s not enough.
So, where does this leave us?
I’m still here.
And I want you to keep reaching out.
And I will keep reaching out.
And maybe somewhere in the middle, we will meet. Maybe in person, maybe just in a response.
Please know that even if it’s been a long time since we’ve physically seen each other, I think about you. And I am always rooting for you. I believe in you.
And I will try to do better. Because you matter to me.
We were made for connection. We weren’t meant to do life alone. It’s just a lot more complicated than I ever thought it would be.
Adult friendships are hard.
With so much love,
Tristan
It’s not an excuse. Maybe it’s just a recognition and kind of an explanation.
Thinking this through has really made me more aware of just how much I have the potential to make someone’s day AND unintentionally hurt them if I don’t respond.
