Ask and You Shall Receive…an Opinion

I recently overheard a conversation between my daughters:

Emma: Charlotte, don’t you think you should be nicer to your only sister?

Charlotte: No.

Emma: That was a rhetorical question, so you didn’t need to answer.

Charlotte: Why would you ask me a question if you didn’t want an answer?

This discussion got me thinking…

Why do we ask questions to which we don’t really want an answer?

How many of you have come home carrying a new dress, and after telling your significant other you are so excited about the dress you just bought, you put it on and proceed to say, “Be honest, what do you think?”

Who would look at that new dress you were so excited about and tell you that it looks awful and should be returned as soon as possible? No one — or at least no one that wants to stick around. Honestly, since you already bought the dress, did you really want to hear anything, but “Wow, it looks great on you”?

No.

How about when you get together with your girlfriends to show them your new haircut? “What do y’all think? Is it too short?” You already got it cut. If they don’t like it, are you going to go back and get extensions?

No.

Or, maybe you are pregnant, and you announce the name of your unborn child to your in-laws. “Do you like the name?” You have already gone over the name a hundred times and have proudly displayed it on the nursery wall. The monogrammed onesies have been ordered. Do you really care if your mother-in-law had an “evil aunt” who bore the same name? Do you really want to hear all the possible embarrassing nicknames the name might engender?

No.

Social media has fueled this constant need for acceptance and feedback — and has taken it to a whole new level.

You post a picture on Facebook and then judge that image’s value by the number of likes and positive comments that will follow. Did your kids become less cute if they don’t get as many likes as the last picture you posted?

No.

So why do we ask? Why do we feel compelled to put our choices out there for feedback? And more importantly, why do we let that feedback control us and, in some cases, haunt us?

We ask because we seek validation from others about our decisions.

This is a heavy statement. Why isn’t our own opinion enough? Why do we, especially women, look to others to assure us that we are doing the right thing? Our own opinion should be enough. And, you know what–your own opinion is enough.

Getting other people’s opinions isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes our initial decision turns out to be wrong. Sometimes we take a chance and find out we didn’t opt for the best choice. Maybe the dress was too tight, the haircut was too short, and maybe my kid will get made fun of because of an unfortunate nickname.

I’m not suggesting you never consider others’ reactions. You are thinking about taking a new job and needing some advice on how to proceed. You are debating how to handle an argument you had with your daughter. Maybe you want another opinion on what color to paint the nursery. If you’re unsure, go ahead, ask away! But choose wisely and take other people’s opinions with a grain of salt.

Be aware that, more often than not, you don’t really need someone else’s opinion. It may make you feel better, but you don’t need it.

Give yourself enough credit and have enough confidence to know that you are capable of making your own decisions.

Now in Charlotte and Emma’s case, although they didn’t ask for my advice, I will gladly provide my opinion (it is my job as their mother, right?):

“Charlotte, you should be nicer to your only sister!”