Loving Him, Her, They and Them

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My son is currently in middle school. At the beginning of the school year, he had a classmate that he got along with very well. They had a lot in common and often communicated through their chats at lesson time. You could tell my son was enjoying the friendship, and he often told me about their conversations.

About nine weeks in, my son came to me, letting me know he was confused because this child had changed their name in the chat room from, let’s say, “Shannon” to “Siren.” My son was curious about the name change, and I told him to respect their wishes and to try his best to call the child by their new name. He agreed and knew that his friend would appreciate that.

Recently, my son came to me confused again. He had several questions for me. I answered them as best I could. His friend had changed their name again, but this time to, let’s say, “Tom.” It turns out this child is changing genders, requesting pronouns be changed and that their name be changed as well.

While talking with my son, I thought he was confused about this child changing their gender and pronouns.

I was wrong. He was upset that he might accidentally call this child by the wrong name.

Still struggling with calling this child Siren, not Shannon, he was worried that learning another new name would be confusing and that he might hurt his friend’s feelings by accidentally calling them the wrong name or pronoun.

One of the pronouns Tom has requested is a plural pronoun, and the other is a singular pronoun. Because my son is very “by the rules” in all of his work, he was having a hard time referring to a singular person using a plural pronoun. I told him to try his best to use the preferred pronoun and that his friend would surely value him trying his hardest either way.

Here’s where I’m going with this…

I am sure this child is processing so many feelings and trying their best to figure out what is happening to them both physically and emotionally. Likewise, I am watching my son as he goes through some emotions and works hard to avoid hurting this child’s feelings by using the wrong name or pronoun. He has such a big heart and is doing everything he can to help his friend and not hurt their feelings by using the wrong name or pronoun.

I think about Tom’s mother a lot. I think about how we are all transitioning to Tom’s new life. Tom’s mom with her child, and me with mine. I hope she knows how much I care. I hope she knows how hard I’m trying. I hope she will have patience with my son when he accidentally uses the incorrect name or pronoun. I hope she knows how much we want them to be happy.

I just have a sense that both children are struggling with the change, albeit in different ways. So I hope they know how much they are both loved. 

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